Saturday I emcee’d our school auction. I had a blast, raised some money and didn’t shit my spanx. So overall a success.
We gave away the standard things you see at every auction – sports tickets, dance classes, leftover 2013 Stella and Dot jewelry but it got me thinking that if schools REALLY wanted to make some kay-yash they should auction off items that parents really actually need.
Here’s my list for next year:
1. Hangover Nanny
You’re bidding on the right to call Hangover Nanny at anytime, any day of the year. She will come to your home at 5 AM, quietly wait for your children to wake and silently usher them out of the house until 11 AM. At this time she will return with an X-large egg/bacon/cheese burrito and a liter of Coca-Cola. She will clean your bathroom, delete your browser history, then take your children out again only to return them upon your beck and call.
Starting bid: $800
2. Spanx I can pull up with one hand.
This lucky winner will enjoy a NASA engineered pair of Spanx specifically for the drunk whore who refuses to rest her drink on a public bathroom floor. The dual cinch and shove technique usually requiring two hands has been replaced by a simple one hand pulley system thus allowing the whore to drink, check her facebook account and wipe with only one hand while the other clutches her vodka tonic.
Starting bid: $1,000
3. Automatic Toilet Paper Changer Butler
Sick of being the only person in your house to change the toilet paper? You are bidding on a personal TP butler. They will install a warning mechanism on all the toilet paper rolls in your home. As soon as the roll gets low it will send a message to the butler who will RUN to your house and change the rolls as needed. No more looking at that ugly cardboard and thinking “I’m going to fucking kill those lazy bastards.”
Opening bid $2,000
4. Weed that makes my boobs grow
This item is self explanatory.
Opening bid : $2,500