Twas the Night Before Christmas – Stepford Style

Twas the Night Before

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse….

Except for the ants disgustingly speeding
To the plate of cookies Santa’s supposed to be eating.

The stockings were hung with weights that were cheap
So the minute I stuff them they fall on my feet.
I remember the days when you could just nail them in,
but too much Houzz surfing says that is a sin.

I make sure every stocking gets something yummy.
Except for mine because no one gives a shit about Mommy.

I purchase my own gifts. I wrap them too.
I had to tell the kids, ‘This one’s from you.”

And then from my inbox arose such a clatter
The subject said “Oops! There’s something the matter.”
‘To Whitney, Amazon is out of that particular gift’
‘Your tinyprint Christmas cards haven’t been shipped’
‘We don’t think your Xbox will get there on time.’
‘Well I screwed up Christmas’ I say and open the wine.
Did I fail to mention, it’s only 9:00. (ahem…AM)

The elf has been in the same spot for days.
The trees not been watered and may go up in flames.

Oh and did I tell you there are 3!! Christmas birthdays in my fa-mi-ly
And that sucks for them but especially ME
Different gifts
Different wrapping
And a cake too
If anyone else has sex in April I’ll tie their tubes

Christmas is awesome when you’re a tot
But when you’re a parent, it simply is not
It’s “give” and “I want”, and “Oh, don’t forget”
And teachers’ gifts, class parties, I keep writing checks!

Dearest Santa if you get Wi-Fi and stumble on this blog,
Can I request extra rum in my cup of egg nog.
If I sit on your lap I’d whisper to thee

Don’t touch her, don’t need her, don’t tell her you’re hungry.
She hasn’t slept in 3 days and she’s rather grumpy.
After the presents there’s no break in sight.
It’s clean up, and returns and thank-yous to write.

So here’s my idea and what I’d like to suggest.
That we proclaim 12/27 ‘Mommy’s Day of Rest.’
No finger lifted, not a cheese mac-ed.
No towels folded, not a week wacked.

We will just lay there as if we’ve been roofied
like a frat party guest or a Huxtubal groupie.
I’d watch real crime shows for 24 hours.
I’d pee on myself and not take a shower.

So, in closing…..

I know my blog can be raunchy and queer
But for this post I will be sincere
It’s the Mommys who make Christmas magic and bright
You are all amazing, appreciated, and loved with delight
If you love your kids more than anything, then they’ll be alright.
So A Merry Stepford Christmas to you Mommys- and to all – a good night.

Recent Posts

Recent Posts