Monday’s my birthday and I’m approaching it with joy and honesty. I know there will be no bounce house, no clown.
I will be the last one in the kitchen to clean up the mess. I will purchase my own cake, candles, and plates. I will make my birthday dinner reservations. I will politely state on my email ‘no gifts’ because I’m 45 now and ‘have everything I need’. Then I will realize that’s a crock of shit and will purchase my own gifts behind everyone’s back. I will purchase these gifts with a gift card that some family member who felt guilty about the ‘no gifts’ policy purchased at Vons on the way to my birthday dinner. It’s probably for iTunes which I still don’t know how to use so I’ll give it to my kid.
Speaking of kids, my kids are the exception; they need to at least show some effort on my birthday. For the last week I have provided a daily countdown to the family. “My birthday is Monday, you have 7 days to get me something. Have you given any thought about my gift?” “Guys, do you need me to take you to the mall to pick up anything today – like say, my birthday gift?”
The last few years I have purchased perfumes and lotions, wrapped them, purchased a card that I’ve pushed in front of their faces and said “sign this. If you are so inclined perhaps write something nice about me.” On a good year I get “Your (sic) the best” but mostly it’s just their names. On my actual birthday I hand it to them and say “now hand this back to me and pretend you bought it. And try to smile.” I play out the charade and thank them. They beam with pride. What Jackholes.
On Wednesday I get some traction. It’s a low rumble from the back seat. Girl: “Maybe we should get her a pack of gum.”
Needle rip! SUC-CESS! They have actually uttered a sentence that does not start with ‘I want’, ‘I need’, ‘You need to’, or ‘I’m hungry’. I continue driving in stone silence. I don’t move a muscle.
There’s only one slight problem, but I don’t want to disrupt the force. Almost all gum nowadays is sugar free and thus made with aspartame. I am allergic to aspartame. I get diarrhea and a headache. Instantly and without mercy. But they are actually showing signs of thinking of someone other then themselves and I’m so excited that I start singing in my head “Happy Diarrhea Gum to me, Happy DIARRHEA GUM!to me” This is what it’s come to I’m so happy at the thought of getting diarrhea birthday gum.
While I’ve been doing the Diarrhea Gum chant in my head the Boy has been thinking the plan over too. Then I hear it….
“Sounds good. But let’s get her the sugar free type so she can’t eat it and will give it back to us.”
Happy Birthday to me.
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