This Is What Happens When You DON’T Drink
My husband is out of town. Which if you are a follower of The New Stepford you know means we are all suffering from protein deficiency. No one has eaten anything but cereal and peanut butter sandwiches for the last three days.
I also am too busy/annoyed/exhausted to work a bottle opener. So I don’t have my nightly glass (pants on fire) of wine. This lack of nightly wine has sent my brain into some sort of seizure. I think my lack of wine has short circuited a small part of my brain causing a diffuse axonal injury or DAI, or as I call the LOWT (lack of wine tards).
Monday – No wine in 8 hours.
8:15 Walk boy to school. Right before we get there he sneezes. I am frantically searching for a leaf or something to wipe his nose but instead he grabs his t-shirt and rubs snot all over his collar. I make mental note to run home and get him clean shirt.
9:00 Band practice starts this week. I man up and call the music store to reserve a trumpet that I will pick up later that day. So far so good.
9:30 I begin to download After Effects because Ben is coming over to tutor me. Nothing happens. I shut down the computer and start over.
10:30 Ben shows up. Software still not downloaded. Awkward chit chat while we stare at my computer. I grab my husband’s computer and download on his Mac. I discover boy child has left a half eaten granola bar in the office and there is a line of ants making their pilgrimage toward mecca.
I hastily clean but poor Ben is squishing ants for the full two hours he is helping me. I’m pretty sure he will never come back. I’m embarrassed, which reminds me of my other hygenic failure and I make a mental note to bring boy a new shirt when this is over.
12:30 Ben leaves and I return to my PC. Not only did it never download, it’s completely died. It didn’t even give me the courtesy of the blue screen of death. I push buttons, I turn it over, I call my husband, I laugh. I post on Facebook. But panic starts to rise in my throat. I have never backed this thing up. This could be really really bad.
I spend next two hours researching “How do you know if your mother board is fried?” It’s not looking good.
2:15 I show up an hour early to pick up my daughter from cross country practice. She tells me to come back in an hour. First warning shot over the bow – brain starting to fritz. Not worried yet.
3:15 Pick up girl from cross country. Pick up boy from play date. Drive to music store to pick up trumpet.
3:30 At trumpet store we realize boy has NO shoes. He left them at his play date. Staring at his filthy socks it also then occurs to me I never took him a clean shirt. As we get out of car he also announces “Today was picture day and you didn’t tell me.” WHAT?????? You went to school in a snot covered shirt and soccer shorts on picture day????
And now I’m really mad at myself for not taking him a new shirt cuz I could have totally played that off.
Me “Hi cute office admin that i’m trying to impress because i’m a new parent here, I’m bringing my son a clean t-shirt”
Cute Office Admin “Oh great idea for picture day.”
Me “Um…yeah…picture day” Hide panic eyes.
Enter store with shoeless boy and am instructed to take a number and wait my turn. Kids go off and start on banging on things. I get called, I give her my name and she tells me they sold out of trumpets.
I CORRECT her and EXPLAIN that I called, because I’m an on-top-of-it-mom, not a wait-till-the-last-minute-slacker mom, cue head nod to other losers waiting in line, and reserved one this morning.
She says they don’t reserve trumpets and she not only remembers talking to me, cause she’s got an Italian name too, reminded me that she explained it was first come first serve. Playing the scene back in my mind I think she’s right but I refuse to show weakness. “Mild brain injury can causes headaches, confusion, MEMORY PROBLEMS, and nausea. (like from lack of wine)”
In my periphery, things are banging loudly. I see a single dirty sock laying on the floor.
I fill out the rental contract and am instructed to return Tuesday when they get a new shipment. This is great because I’m taking my car in Tuesday and they are close to each other. Mental note taken. See early alzheimers, I’m ON this.
4:15 Need to get a Mavis costume for Hotel Transylvania 2 screening tomorrow. See my review here. So I head to Kohl’s where I can a) get something Halloweeny and b) get boy some shoes.
4:40 Can’t locate children. “loss of short term memory“ Have children paged repeatedly.
4:45 Kids emerge from somewhere and tell me loudly to “chill out”, “having us paged was really embarrassing”. Cue looking at shoeless snot boy with filthy socks. Keep anger in check and pledge not to lose it in middle of department store. “With a brain injury, the person may suffer life-changing and debilitating problems. He or she will have cognitive, behavioral, and physical disabilities.”
5:00 Realize Party City is next door and I can grab a wig. Kids grab my phone while I’m in line and take pictures of themselves with Pooh Emojis on their heads.
5:30 Take children to Islands. No one speaks as we eat because our bodies haven’t had food in 12 hours.
7:30 Homework, end of day crap, too tired to drink wine.
9:00 Enjoy husband being out of town and allowed to watch crappy ghost shows.
1:00 AM Oops, look at the time. Go to bed.
Tuesday – 30 hours without wine
8:30 Drive boy to school. Think about going by his play date address and picking up shoes. Check Facebook. Forget.“forgetfulness, lack of details, easily distracted.”
9:00 Take car to shop and walk 40 minutes home. It’s lovely. I’m blasting “Book or Mormon” and singing at the top of my lungs. Belt out “I have maggots in my scrotum” to unsuspecting gardeners. “Lack of awareness that behavior is unusual.”
10:00 Clean house.
11:00 Frantically try and figure out what emails I need reforwarded to me since computer still is not just dead but going into rigor mortis. Making mental inventory of all things that are lost. Brain is on total fritz, I hear things sizzling.
“Psychosis always occurs for a particular reason, such as TBI, and includes the more detailed symptoms of:
• Personality changes
• Disorganized thinking
• Difficulty in social interactions
• Lack of awareness that behavior is unusual”
1:00 Garage calls and says car is fixed.
1:30 I grab my keys and go to pick up my car. I pay, he hands me the keys and points to where my car is. It is not until I am standing there with both sets of keys in my hand that I realize….I DROVE my CAR to PICK UP my car.
Final warning shot fired. Kaboom. We’re going down. SOS. All logic has fully imploded.
Let me play it back to you in slow mo – I DROVE MY CAR…..TO PICK UP MY CAR!!!
“complete break from reality. may urinate on self.”
I slowly turn back to the garage and see all the technicians staring at me. They bow their heads, I think in their culture it’s not polite to stare at the infirm.
How in the hell am I going to play this off. “Umm… I’m just going to move this over here…..until I wait for my friend to …ummm….come get me (pants on fire)….I mean two other friends….like 3 cars for 3 people……ummm.”
Ladies, I am going to own this. I am going to just balls out apologize for giving mommy brain a bad name. I am the poster child for the braless, makeup less, nut job who shouldn’t be wearing yoga pants and proceeds to have a full mental breakdown outside an Arco.
Medicine should study me and cut open my brain to see the side effects of what not drinking does to the mommy brain. I should be immortalized. (way over in the side show tent. Next to the volunteers).