‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Not even a mouse…. Except for the ants disgustingly speeding To the plate of cookies Santa’s supposed to be eating. The stockings were hung with weights that were cheap So the minute I stuff them they fall on my feet. […]
We are preparing for our 8:30 AM flight back east on the Monday before Thanksgiving because we are cheap bastards and those were the least expensive flights. Bags are packed. Devices charged. Uber called. On the surface I appear calm and ready. But inside I’m a wreck. I am nervous because I know soon to […]
While sitting in the minivan waiting for my kids to get out of one of their 100 activities I found myself dumpster diving through the pocket of the driver’s side door. I uncovered a half-eaten blueberry scone in a Starbucks bag…….and what is worse…. I then proceeded to EAT it. By the consistency (read: really hard to break into […]
I know that men are historically better in math than women. Except when it comes to sex and housework. Case in point: Man, on a Tuesday night, “We should have sex tonight. We haven’t had sex in months.” Wife, “We had sex on Saturday.” ——— Wife, “Honey you need to make the bed today.” Man, […]
I love when my #botox and my #Xanax kick in at the same time.