I can just feel there is going to be an onslaught of nauseatingly sweet Mother’s Day posts tomorrow. And I’d like to snip that in the bud to remind you what motherhood is really like. Two nights ago I’m doing my motherly duties and putting the kids down to bed, scratching their backs, and reading. Nice mom, right? And because I know it makes him laugh, I grab DJ’s toes to nibble on them. But as soon as I put them in my mouth I notice something is wrong. There is something stuck to the inside of my lip, I wipe it out and realize it is a booger. A fresh squishy booger that was stuck to the bottom of his foot. I start mildly gagging and the kids are all “What’s going on? Are you Okay?” I explain to them what has happened and instead of being appalled they are in hysterics. They think this the funniest thing they have ever heard and begin the game of “It was totally your booger,” “No, it was YOUR booger”. I’m at this point at a full on dry heave. I leave the room and commence waterboarding myself with mouthwash and toothpaste. SO. SO. SO- if ANYONE gives me crap about smuggling in a bottle of cabernet to the Century 20 multiplex and celebrating a day alone watching back to back 3D versions of the Great Gatsby tomorrow I will punch them in the gut and scream “Did YOU eat a foot booger? Did you? DID YOU??? Because I’m a fricking mom and I did. Now leave me the f*#% alone.”
