Having the worst kid on the team sucks. I’m just going to say it. Other parents are overly nice to you and every time your kid actually makes any contact with the ball they pat you on the back and say “she’s really coming along” or “great effort”. Oh go fuck yourself. I’m a big girl, I can handle it – my kid sucks at this.
Once my daughter in an Olympic display of athleticism decided to stop in the middle of the soccer game and tie her shoe. For seven minutes. The parents are looking at me, the coach is looking at me, the ref is wondering if he should call time out. The coach says to her “you wanna come off the field honey?” She said “No, I’m just having trouble with the double knot that my MOM tied for me.” If this was a movie you’d cut to a bunch of slow motion eyes rolling over to stare at me. And since I am super classy and brave I just look down at my shoes and silently wonder again why AYSO prohibits beer at these games.
And we all have to bear this cross occasionally, whether it is sports or academics. Our kids can’t be the best at everything. And if you are one of the parents that THINKS their kid is good at everything and likes to tell us other parents about it, don’t complain when you get a lot of “sorry we can’t make it” responses to your next birthday Evite.
Here’s what I ask of parents. If you have the worst kid on the team JUST OWN IT. Don’t make it awkward for the rest of us and say things like “wow, that was a tough ball to catch” when your kid misses a slow easy toss. Cuz now I don’t know whether you are being sarcastic and I should laugh or you are seriously delusional and I’m supposed to agree with you, which makes me an enabler. And most of you have met me and know that my instinct is to go with the former comment and start laughing, which maybe is the reason no one sits next to me at games.
So parents of The Worst Kid on the Team, this is your day. Wear your badge proudly, hug your amazing you-have-other-skill-sets kids. And bring beer to the next game.