I just launched my blog three weeks ago and because all the How-To-Launch-A-Blog sites told me to I also got myself a Twitter account (@thenewstepford). They also said I should get a Pinterest account. But as you can see I opted out of that. Here’s the deal – the women on that site – I call them PBs or Pinterestbitches – terrify me. “Look at what mischief my elf on the shelf got into last night” and there’s a picture of their elf making a gingerbread house out of homemade marshmallows – WTF? – Who are you people? Who has that kind of time?
You know what MY elf on the shelf is doing? Do you know where he is? He’s hiding in mommy’s ‘special box’ with my vibrators and porn. The last time I opened the box the poor elf had pressed himself all straight and elfy into the far corner of the box. I could hear him weeping “Santa plleeasseee get me out of here, these people are diirrtyyy, pleez pleez Sanntaaaa.” And of course he’s offended because he’s like a born again Christian and still believes in Santa so you know he’s a virgin. I’m sure the poor thing is completely traumatized.
So, if anyone wants to set up a kickstarter fund for his therapy, I’m sure he’d be grateful.
Pin that bitches.