Here I am getting ‘cool laser lipo’ (hey, don’t judge me I had a groupon). It is this device that they strap to your middrift and unleash a bunch a lasers to help melt the fat away. Apparently it breaks up the fat cells so that your body can reabsorb it back into your system and then you either sweat or poop it out. Jolly good fun.
Here’s a picture of the paddles; but this is NOT me. This is a skinny bitch who has no need for laser lipo and probably got a free treatment for posing for this ad. I don’t like her.
You have to sign a lot of paperwork that says you won’t sue them if something goes horribly wrong (one of Us, ONE OF US); but my favorite part of the small print said “This procedure may have no effect on your body whatsoever.” And yet…AND YET…I still pay my money and strap my ass to this machine.
So I’m up on this table and she’s about to hit the ‘on’ switch, and you think I would take a moment to ask about any side effects this may have – you know, with the amount of bleach I’ve put on my hair over the years, the botox in my face, or the silicone in my boobs – but no, this does not occur to me.
What I’m worried about at this exact moment is whether or not the red lasers may ricochet off my IUD and spell out Happy New Year on my uterine wall. I mean I want a lite-brite uterus as much as next person, but what if my uterus is Jewish and my stomach spells out Happy Hannukah every time I turn out the light? ‘Hey, baby, want to get frisky?” and BOOM – Shalom – right across my bikini line.
I giggle abit and try to explain my jewterus joke to her, but she doesn’t get it, and since I’ve come this far, what the hell. Let her rip.
It’s just a little tickle and you are left in this room with the lights dim for about 20 minutes or so. It’s kinda like a fat massage and a wee bit relaxing. After 3 treatments I came away with moderate results, but keep in mind you need to ‘eat less and exercise right after each treatment’ as stated in the aforementioned sweating/pooping comment. So if you do the math, that probably was the key reason I trimmed down a bit.
Occasionally I flash the lights on and off while I’m standing naked in the dark but so far my girl parts haven’t begun to glow. Honestly I was a little disappointed cause that would be a cool party trick and I could probably get a drunk guy to give me $20 bucks in a bar to show it to him.
With that $20 and another groupon what couldn’t a girl do?