My friend Becky finally joined Facebook. I’m so excited that I’m throwing out the virtual welcome mat – a list of tips on how to use it and not abuse it so she can learn from my mistakes, and quite frankly, some of yours.
- WE LOVE YOUR KIDS, BUT THEY ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING. Every parent, including me, falls victim to the desire to chronicle every action and adorable quip of their kids. This is fine occasionally and we do appreciate seeing milestones such as graduations and birthdays but kids sitting in the Tupperware drawer – it’s been done, boring. Don’t do it. Daily updates. Don’t care. Oh cute, your kids love each other and are hugging. Couldn’t give a shit.
- Kids DO say the darndest things, and if your kids had a zinger, by all means share. But “I just love the way Joey says pissghetti” is going to get you defriended really quick.
- Also remember, YOU are interesting. We want to know what’s going on in your life too. If you are only posting about your kids, then we will all make fun of you behind your back.
- PICTURES:
- Don’t take pictures of your kids sleeping. It may be adorable at the time, but on Facebook they just look dead. Resist this urge.
- Don’t tag your friends in pics that are unflattering. Check for arm fat, bad chin angles, and grey roots. Help a sistah out and the favor will always be returned.
- Do NOT under any circumstance take pictures of food. I have never understood people’s desire to post a shot of their burrito with a caption “look at this awesome burrito”. Unless Facebook develops a scratch and sniff option these photos are retarded.
- MARITAL SPATS. God forbid your marriage goes south, do NOT post your arguments on Facebook or rant about your spouse. Knowing that Joe went on bender in Vegas and barebacked a hooker needs to be saved for the therapist couch – not for the public. This makes it soup-per awkward for everyone.
- BIBLE VERSES.
- MEDICAL ISSUES: People will debate me on this, but it is my personal desire to never see a wound shot or xray of any part of your body. A little post such as “Ended up in the hospital with a compound fracture” will be enough to motivate me to bring you soup and flowers. You show me a picture of it and I will let you bleed to death in a ditch.
Not cute, just creepy.
Yes, cute.
Don’t post pictures of food, or worse, half eaten food.
Looks like Alice took the pill that got her knocked up.
Sooo much more flattering.
I mean, I’m not heartless, this is kind of cute, but honestly, NFC.