There is no better sentence starter than “So-and-so’s mom thinks you are….”. I immediately put down the wine opener and lean in like a NSA agent on a wire tap.
“Oh,”….twist twist pop…..”what did she say?” Act natural I tell myself. Act. Natural.
“Her mom thinks you’re clinically insane. Feeds us a crappy diet. Um… you don’t monitor what we watch and that ..um…what was it… oh yea, we’re bad listeners.” PAY DIRT!! That’s SO money! That’s better than knowing who defriended you on Facebook or who those creepy anonymous people are that checked your profile on LinkedIn.
If any of these were actually true I’d be offended. They are not. Well, sort of, but not really. Nothing that is going to get anyone arrested or put on Ritalin.
I respond verbally with a high-road answer “Well, I think she’s a really good mom and her kids are nice, but I appreciate the feedback” but internally I’m thinking ‘dirt bag bee-otch, I will shiv you at the next PTA meeting .’
Then I have a slight panic attack and replay the last 2 months of car rides with my husband when I thought the kids were playing on their iPads when they probably were absorbing every noxious piece of gossip and arm chair parenting I’m responsible for. Did I verbalize that Diane’s daughter is on track for a tramp stamp and a pregnancy reality show in her mid-teens? Did I opine that Carla’s son needs some serious ADHD meds and how sad it is she doesn’t see it? What about that kid with those freaky teeth? That the couple down the street are so boring they don’t wrinkle the sheets when they have sex. The under my breath ‘get a makeover’ comments. I am a TERRIBLE person. But I thought I was the only one who knew it. It’s highly possible that the entire community is on to me.
I’m really hoping my children show more respect and filtering of what they know and report on than I do. Hopefully amongst all that crappy food and bad TV they’ve been absorbing I’ve been able to slip in some class and good decision making.
As for me I’m going to go sharpen a spoon.