Soccer season is upon us. Two weeks in and I’m drowning in Shutterfly emails, rain out reschedules, and the frantic ‘I can’t find my other shin guard’ chase my tail around the house freak out.
These are my top 5 Reasons I Hate Coaching. I’m sure you have others so please include them in the comments section below.
1. The Parade
Every year this clusterfuck gives me hives. Someone way back in the history of soccer geniuses decided it was smart to amass 1,000 spastic children at the 8 AM crack of Jesus, have them walk in a circle and then feed them It’s It bars. I’m pretty sure William Golding attended one of these before he penned ‘Lord of the Flies’.
The list of problems is endless so let’s just concentrate on a few.
First, the PA system is from 1963. There is one scratchy mic and two speakers for like 2,000 people. No one can hear a damn thing. And the people that think soccer parades are a good idea are (shockingly!) also the ones that like to talk into microphones at 8 AM. Anyone who has studied theatre knows the minute your audience can’t hear you they start engaging in other things. So you have 7 people leaning over the baseball bleachers straining to hear the announcer and 1,993 on their smart phones. He/She could be reading the phone book and literally no one would know.
Second, stupid stupid stupid soccer names. Coaches, just because you coach doesn’t mean you have to let your kids name the team. Kids are stupid. And Rarely Funny. And they can’t possibly conceive of a team name that doesn’t include their uniform color. That’s why you have 14 ninja teams – the Red Ninjas, The Blue Ninjas, The Gold Ninjas. Everyone knows the only color ninjas come in is black. But you can’t have The Black Ninjas cuz now you are racist. So we have every conceivable color-of-the-rainbow ninjas, some snake and unicorns thrown in for good measure, but nothing else.
Here are the names I would like to see:
• The Pig-Tailed Skull Fuckers
• The Hot Carls
• Penis Envy
• The Will Ferrets
• The Punch Buggies
• NRA Rejects
• Or….
• Christopher Walken’s Googly-Eyed Ball Kicking Freaks
Now that is a parade I would attend.
Lastly, a word on banners. Nobody respects the bought-off-the-internet banner. That’s like the person that brings the Costco black plastic veggie tray to a potluck. Watching all these pre-packaged banners is like watching the opening ceremony of The Least Amount of Effort Olympics. If you sign up your kid for soccer you are also signing up for some quality time with a piece of felt and a glue gun. Accept your punishment and get crafty.
2. Parents
Rule #1 Parents, why ohhh why, can’t your figure out how to update a Shutterfly calendar. If your kid can’t make a game, check the little box. It’s simple! Please work on this before our next blog post.
Rule #2 Lame parents. The parents that always bring their kid late are always the ones who forget their shin guards, water bottles, or balls. Late = Lame. Also I’ve created a ratio. The more you volunteer the more sentences of your emails I will read. If you never picked up a glue gun or brought a snack, your email complaining why your kid never plays foreward goes straight into my spam folder. No exceptions. Please work on this before our next blog post.
Rule #3 Unhinged Separated Parents. This is soccer practice. Not divorce court. Work out your shit somewhere else. I do not want to get stuck in the middle of ‘who-was-supposed-to-pick-up-johnny-on-Tuesdays’. The mandatory 45 minute AYSO powerpoint does not include legal training. Do not show me your court paperwork. Do not show up with your new boyfriend. Do not leave your kid after practice to ‘prove-a-point’ about punctuality to your ex. You know what happens when you are more than 15 minutes late. I have to call the cops. I can’t legally drive him home. Next thing you know I’m called to be a witness at your next court hearing which means I have to miss work, which I already leave early for twice a week to COACH YOUR KID! Kindly work on this before our next blog post.
3. Receiving verbal directions to set up cones
I love my assistant coach. She’s amazing. Except when she tries to explain cone layouts to me. Once she starts with “We will make a square with 8 cones, with little windows of two cones each and a blue high cone for the goal” my eyes glaze over and I start to panic. My heartbeat becomes rapid. I just nod because I don’t want her to think I’m challenged so off I go clutching my little orange caps with absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
In her mind the field looks like this:
What I build:
The whole concept of trying to get orange cones in a straight line makes me want to cry. No matter how hard I try I cannot make a straight line. If I ever apply for a surgical residency, please reference this blog post and do not accept me.
4. Dog People
This was an actual exchange at my last practice with a man throwing a Frisbee to a pissed-off looking German shepherd.
“Sir, I’m sorry, but AYSO, does not allow dogs off leash during soccer practices.”
The man does not look at me. He continues to throw his Frisbee.
I continue, “Excuse me sir, because there are so many kids and the balls are going everywhere sometimes it spooks the dogs and they bite.”
Now this gets a reaction. He stops turns at me appalled and spits these words at me “MY dog would never bite anyone. Ever.”
“Yes, sir, but you see EVERY dog owner says that right before their dog bites a kids nose off.”
Hold on gentle reader, because I need to set the stage a little better before I go on. Adjacent to our soccer field at Cipriani, there is….wait for it….a DOG PARK! Like with a fence and lots of room to run and nice other dogs to hump.
Ok, back to our story.
Now I’ve clearly irritated him. Which I’m enjoying so I continue…..”Also, as I’m sure you are aware, there is a dog park..(as I turn to point the 27 feet away)..Right.There.”
And here’s where this guy gave every dog owner a bad reputation. His appall turns to disgust and he says “Ick. It’s so dirrrtttyyyy.”
At this point I realize I’m debating an idiot. And everyone knows you can’t win a fight with a crazy person. Thankfully his idiot overlords took pity on me and he shanked his Frisbee over the fence and spent the next ½ hour trying to retrieve it. This man is a grade a fuck tard. The next time he visits Sea World and feeds a fish to a killer whale I hope Shouka chomps his nuts off, which I’m sure the nice docile trainers will appallingly state “Jeez, she’s never done that.” FuckTardDogPeople.
5. Last but not least. Asshole Coaches
Pop Quiz: You are coaching a U8 girls game and the ref just missed a handball call.
Do you
A) Let it go because next time the call may be in your favor and we all know it all works out fairly in the end (oh, and did I mention –they are eight)
Or
B) Call the ref an “Idiot”, tell him to “watch his back” and “pull his head out of his ass and watch the game.”
Listen Jacktard, these refs are volunteers. They are moms, dads, sons, uncles of the kids you are coaching. Your behavior only says one thing about you. You should get a dog.
Got a reason you hate coaching? Add it to the comments box below. -Whit