An Open Letter to Jon Hamm On His Recent Break Up
9/9/15
Oooh, ooh, ooh, Pick me, pick ME!
Jon,
I’m sorry to hear about your recent upcoupling. I’m sure you have an army of size 2 starlets throwing themselves at you. But before you dive into that pool of doe-eyed impressionable Pilates instructors I’d like to offer you an alternative: A MOM.
Due to my unique experience I can totally help you keep the life you are accustomed to.
Those mid-day Side Cars and Manhattans?
No problem, I am a mixologist with a Juice Box. Start with a Capri sun Berry Blast, snip off the corner and fill with rum. Reinsert straw. Boom – you are ready to go the PTA meetings, AYSO soccer practice and sit through a piano practice without cutting yourself.
How would you ever know that unless we started dating?
I know you are used to having sex with – like everybody – but have you had it while locked in a closet while people bang on the door? It’s super fun. All we need is some gum, glue, and paste to wedge into every door jam so not one door in your whole house locks. So if you need a quickie – we’ll just go bang it out between the shoes and laundry baskets.
How would you know how hot closet sex is unless we started dating?
Mid-Day Naps Brought on By 3-Martini Lunch
My love, you can still totally do this. It may be in the mini-van in the school parking lot (see point above re: juice boxes). Or it may be in the ortho’s waiting area but it’s totally acceptable. I get you. You complete me. I will even take Sally to In N’ Out for lunch so you can keep sleeping.
How else would you know which Ortho couches are the best for napping unless we started dating?
Random Disappearing Acts
I realize as a creative ad man you need time to seek inspiration. I totally support your need to disconnect from the family and go on a walkabout. You can schedule these between 3:45 – 5:05 on Mondays and 4:25 – 6:45 on Wednesdays. Just please be sure to leave your phone on in case someone’s backpack is too heavy or someone gets lice. But other than that you should totally relax and take some time for yourself.
So my darling, when you are ready to date a true mother figure. With full hips, who eats twinkies in her closet and cries a lot. When you are ready for the indentations that are left on a woman’s hips when she’s worn her spanx for too long. When your are ready to trade in steak for chicken fingers and plain pasta with no sauce. I am here baby. Call me.
Love, Whitney (aka The New Stepford)