Greetings fans of THE WEEK! We are reviewing THE WEEK’s headlines for November 6, 2105 in 5 minutes or less so you lazy bastards don’t have to.
First let’s talk Benghazi. Ben-Gah – Zi.Republicans tried to frame Hil-a-ry — a-ry and she said watch me ‘no, no, no, no’. Whether you think the House Select Committee was actually an investigation into the 2012 killings of 4 Americans in Benghazi or as Rep Kevin McCarthy let slip ‘a ruse to drag down Hilary’s numbers prior to the election’ both sides of the press can agree she handled herself with poise and grace.
So I think she can take a breather and enjoy some ‘whip….on her la-tte’ until they climb back up her ass about her email server again. Poor girl cannot catch a break.
Paul Ryan took the position of Speaker of the House. In his rider he demanded he gets 3 months off each summer, half day Wednesdays, a week off for ski week, a week off for Christmas break, a week off for Spring Break and every national, religious, and Festivus. Wait that’s teachers.
Under weird but true, a Nevada spa employee was found frozen to death in one of her subzero tanks. The tanks blast temps as low as minus 240 Fahrenheit in an effort to burn calories, tighten skin and reduce pain. Her frozen body was found the next day and the medical examiners said she suffocated within seconds. Insert Elsa joke here. Dude i’m sticking to my botox. Hit me people.
Ladies, I’m sad to report that Derek Jeter has proposed to his supermodel girlfriend Hannah Davis. So go ahead and binge on all that Halloween candy.
Guatemala City elected a comedian – Jimmy Morales- as their new President. He doesn’t come with any baggage, except totally lack of experience and ran on a ticket of “I’m neither corrupt nor a thief”. But seeing that 54 percent of Guatemala’s 15.8 million citizens live on only $1.50 a day it’s not like his predecessor knew what he was doing. And I”m just excited that may mean a 2020 ticket of Stewart and Fey which I would quit my job and join their campaign staff tomorrow.
Speaking of funny Jimmys. NBC brass is worried about Jimmy Fallon – he’s apparently prone to accidents cutting his finger in a kitchen accident and recently injuring himself on a bottle of Jagermeister at the Harvard Lampoon fest. The major concern being…who the hell still drinks Jagermesiter?
Zooey Deschanel released the name of her new daughter – Elsie Otter. Yep, otter. Why? because she says “they use tools, they hold hands while they sleep and who doesn’t love otters. “ Here’s a list of 10 other animals that use tools: Bottlenose dolphins, not bottle nose dolphins, chimpanzees, crows, orangutans, elephants, gorillas, octopuses, macaques, and rodents. Let’s just be grateful she didn’t have twins.
People in China have taken to crawling on their feet and hands as a new form of exercise. Waiting to see if that catches on here. The true test will be on a hiking trail where they all get in one line and make it impossible to walk around them.
In other health news, the World Health Organization has put everyone in shock reporting that bacon may cause cancer. Wait a minute, were any of us under the impression that bacon was good for us? Eat bacon people. Die early, it’s worth it!
Tech News; Marissa Mayer still cannot turn Yahoo around, reporting losses of tens of millions of dollars. YouTube launched YouTube Red which allows users the ability to pay $9.99 a month for ad free videos, music streaming and exclusive content.
I don’t usually cover book reviews but this week they had Horror book reviews and since I’m a huge horror fan i wanted to share the list with you: The Turn of the Screw by Henry James, The Shining by Stephen King, The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, Strangers by Taichi Yamada, The House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski and Sugar Hall by Tiffany Murray.
Wines!!! My favorite; The Austrian BLAUFRANKISCH is gaining popularity by offering hints of licorice and smoked meat. That’s a frickin’ meal. Can’t wait to get me a bottle and will report back on that soon. Hail to the umlaut – I think you mean yum-laut.
Also my December video series will be reviewing wine gadgets so if you’ve come across any gadgets for wine lovers that you love or hate let me know and i’ll feature them in my next video.
All films reviewed this week – Sandy B’s Our ‘Brand is Crisis’, other than winning worst movie title ever, ‘Nasty Baby’ with Kristen Wiig, and ‘Rock the Kasbah’ with Bill Murray all got tepid reviews. So you don’t have to run out to the theatre to see those- wait for the airplane.
And one feature THE WEEK does which I haven’t ever featured is their weekly contest. The question was “A British survey found that 37% of vegetarians admit to eating meat when they get a little tipsy. What name would you give this ailment?”
Winner: Beer Gobbles, Seven Beer Itch
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