Your face is most wrinkly in the following order

My 7 year old to me, “Mommy your face is most wrinkly in the following order: neck, cheeks, eyes.” Jeez, what a dick.

Dear Lady in front of me at Safeway

Dear Lady in front of me at Safeway – arguing over the coupon for your boxed wine is not helping your cause.


Ever seen a 42 year old woman put on Spanx? Ever watch a seahorse give birth?

Whole Foods

You COULD try the new peppermint verbena soap from Whole Foods or you could feed your vagina a York Peppermint Patty. Jus sayin’.

The 5 Things You Need to Know Before Baby

A friend who is about to embark on motherhood asked for the ‘real scoop about motherhood, not the cheesy stuff they write in books.’ Well they may not write the truth in books, but the council of ‘Mothers Who Pretend Kids are Great’ doesn’t have jurisdiction in the blogosphere, so here goes.   1. Kids kind of […]

3 Step Quiz Before Baby #2

My friend has a 10 month old and asked if they should try for another. Here was my response: Baby #2 Litmus test. First, make a top bunk. Fifteen times. And yea, don’t be a wussy, I’m talking fitted sheet and all. Climb your ass up that tiny ladder, bang your head on the ceiling, […]

Happy Mother’s Day My Ass

I can just feel there is going to be an onslaught of nauseatingly sweet Mother’s Day posts tomorrow. And I’d like to snip that in the bud to remind you what motherhood is really like. Two nights ago I’m doing my motherly duties and putting the kids down to bed, scratching their backs, and reading. […]

Cell Phone Suicide

My phone died today. It leapt from up high and shattered on the sidewalk. Shortly after the incident I received this : Whitney, if you receive this email it means I was successful in my suicide. I just could not take your incessant narcissistic babble and grammatically incorrect texts any longer. And you never turned […]

Awesome Soccer Banners

Once again, my suggested names of The Pig Tailed SkullF&*kers, Premenstrual Syndromes, School Yard Bullies, and Arrested Development did not make it into the AYSO soccer banner parade.

You Know You’re Middle Aged When…

I’m officially middle-aged. I can’t drink during the day because I fall asleep. I can’t drink at night because it keeps me awake. And I bought my first set of folding chairs.

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