The Worst Friday the 13th – Can I Get a Do-Over?

I sold my first item on EBay. And I fucked it up. Idiot Move #1: Learn about Physics Apparently you are supposed to ‘weigh’ your item and input dimensions and Ebay will calculate your shipping costs. I eyeballed the weight [It’s a bag of used wigs (more on that in a second)], and figured it […]

There’s Vodka in Cone 3

As a parent there is nothing as satisfying watching someone else’s kid lose their shit. It’s some sort of sick parental schadenfreude. And Disneyland at 9:20 PM takes center stage. I was thoroughly enjoying watching all the tantrums start to boil up, kids crying – either going completely wet noodle as their parents tried to […]

The Tipping Debate. Oh, and some Hep C humor

I took the kids bowling today and was surprised to see on the receipt a line item for a tip. So, just so I’m on board, this is what we are doing now? Tipping the people who give us our bowling lanes? Apparently another ‘recognized social norm’ email I didn’t get. And since I so […]

Chipotle Baby

DJ ‘Mommy, why is your stomach SO big?” Me “Because Daddy and I decided to have another baby, it’s a Chipotle baby. Sugar and spice and beans and rice, that’s what this little baby is made of.” Jeez, can’t a girl just eat a burrito in peace anymore?

Pulp free

One of the problems of working from home and catching some midday TV are all the ads for pelvic or vaginal mesh. I don’t know what the hell either of those things are but it sounds horrific. For everybody. Is it like a really angry diaphragm? Are you catching fish? Is it for people who […]

Practice Makes Perfect

It’s not that texting and driving is dangerous — just some people haven’t practiced enough.

Pinterestbitches and Why the Elf on the Shelf Needs Therapy

I just launched my blog three weeks ago and because all the How-To-Launch-A-Blog sites told me to I also got myself a Twitter account (@thenewstepford). They also said I should get a Pinterest account. But as you can see I opted out of that. Here’s the deal – the women on that site  – I call them PBs or […]

Having the Worst Kid on the Team

Having the worst kid on the team sucks. I’m just going to say it.  Other parents are overly nice to you and every time your kid actually makes any contact with the ball they pat you on the back and say “she’s really coming along” or “great effort”. Oh go fuck yourself. I’m a big […]

Sometimes I take it

Sometimes I take the High Rd, but I usually do a few laps around the Jane-you-ignorant-slut-I-hope-you-get-your-intestines-pulled-out-like-Mel-Gibson-in-Braveheart cul-de-sac before I get there.

Celebrity Moms Suck

I really hate when celebrity mothers are interviewed and say “I just have to remember that the dishes will be there tomorrow and to cherish this time I have when they are little.” Well, of course your dishes can wait until tomorrow, that’s when the full time maid comes. Do you know what waits for […]

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