The Caramel Corn Infraction

There is this one part of my kitchen where my children cannot see me from either the sofa or the dining room table. Last night I find myself pressed up against this part of the wall silently pushing individual pieces of caramel corn into my mouth so my children cannot tell what I am doing. Next thing […]

BFF Definitions Over Time

BFF definitions over time: 6 yrs old “Will you come to my birthday party?” 16 yrs old “Will you sign my yearbook?” 26 yrs old “Will you be my maid of honor? 42 yrs old “Will you pinch back my arm fat while we pose for this picture?”

Valentine’s Day

It used to be I wanted candy, champagne and good sex on Valentine’s Day; now I just want a dishwasher that will dry my tupperware.

REfuse to REchore

To the woman who bragged to me that her six year old was “really good at chores”. First of all, shut up. Your six year old isn’t GOOD at anything. And despite your condescending banter and missives that I should ‘teach my children to contribute’ my kids still haven’t mastered using a zipper or getting […]

Emails are not for lost and found

Dear Elementary School Parents, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stop sending the entire school emails when Emma or Jake leaves their hoodie on the playground. Has anyone in the HISTORY OF TIME every gotten one returned from one of these emails? Do you think someone is actually intentionally picking up your kid’s sweatshirt and hoarding […]

Why I hate Petco

So, the guinea pig story is….we bought one, a white albino, about two weeks ago. We spoiled it rotten and loved it to death. Literally. It died 8 days later. Total drama, kids are screaming, DJ is praying to God to take him instead, the guinea pig is convulsing and dies on the way to […]

V-V-Victory for V-V-Vastectomy

Derek drops the bomb on me two nights ago “you know…it wouldn’t be ter-ri-ble if we got pregnant again.” So what kind of jail time am I looking at for slipping him a roofie and performing a homemade vasectomy?

Namas – seriously?

Dear Lady in front of me at Safeway, yoga pants are a privilege not a right.

Check please

I love going out to eat because it is the one hour that someone actually waits on me. The other 14 hours I’m just Charlotte and DJ’s bitch.

I just want to know why, actually scratch that, how. No, let’s go back to why.

Yep, that’s DJ’s toothbrush stuck to the ceiling. WTF? How? Why? #kidsareretarded

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