I love when my #botox and my #Xanax kick in at the same time.
Soccer season is upon us. Two weeks in and I’m drowning in Shutterfly emails, rain out reschedules, and the frantic ‘I can’t find my other shin guard’ chase my tail around the house freak out. These are my top 5 Reasons I Hate Coaching. I’m sure you have others so please include them in the […]
My daughter told me that some girl in her gymnastic class was making fun of her because she’s so tall. Before my brain could stop it, my mouth said “I will chloroform that bitch and she’ll wake up with a Justin Bieber tattoo on her face.” #WorstRoleModelEver
Another reason why parenting is so awesome. I walk into my bathroom today to see my daughter using my deodorant on the soles of her feet. Reasoning was ‘obvious’ and ‘my feet smell’. I’m off to Safeway to get some new Secret.
In my world there are three simple things that will you get you invited back as a dinner guest 1) Be interesting 2) If you can’t be interesting than at least be funny 3) If you can’t be interesting or funny at least be interested in ME.
There is no better sentence starter than “So-and-so’s mom thinks you are….”. I immediately put down the wine opener and lean in like a NSA agent on a wire tap. “Oh,”….twist twist pop…..”what did she say?” Act natural I tell myself. Act. Natural. “Her mom thinks you’re clinically insane. Feeds us a crappy diet. Um… you don’t monitor […]
Me: “DJ, please vacuum the living room.” DJ: “Okay.” He gets up and heads to his room. Me: “Where are you going?” DJ: “To put my cup on.”
Saturday I emcee’d our school auction. I had a blast, raised some money and didn’t shit my spanx. So overall a success. We gave away the standard things you see at every auction – sports tickets, dance classes, leftover 2013 Stella and Dot jewelry but it got me thinking that if schools REALLY wanted to […]